Как перевести, чтобы было красиво и смешно?

ru_translate — 03.11.2015 1
Teacher:Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria:This is it.
Teacher:Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class:Maria did.

2
Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention."
Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"

3
Q: What comes before 8?
A: My school bus usually.

4
Eleven year old’s environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution: "When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

5
I don’t want to go to school,” said a son to his father.
“Why not,” asked the father.
“I don’t feel well.”
“Where don’t you feel well,” the father asked.
“At school!”

6
One morning a boy walks in to class late. His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been". He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car". 15 minutes later a girl walks in. The teacher asks 'where have you been'. She answers "throwing pebbles at a car". 2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty. The teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car". She answers "No miss, I am pebbles".

7
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job. Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

8
Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun. Everyone must attend it.
Mary: No madam! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
Mary: My mother will not allow me to go so far!

9
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.”
“I’m surprised,” said the owner. “I’ve never taught that bird to swear.”
“Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor. “But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”

10
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back."
"I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes."
"That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

11
Teacher: Ramu, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Ramu: I is...
Teacher: No, Ramu. Always say, "I am."
Ramu: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

12
The English teacher’s husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, “Why, Susan, I’m surprised.”
She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, “No. I am surprised. You are astonished.”

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