Fanbrat rant: Too old for fan fic?
fanficrants — 10.02.2010 It's been a long time since I've known the joys of a FFnet PM war.Dear Fanbrat, Fanbrat's beta, and Fanbrat's friend,
I left a civil, albeit honest review on your story, delineating that lack of basic punctuation, concept of grammar, and canon boo-boos diminished my enjoyment. I've had three people look at that review since then, all objective people whom I trust would have told me if I had been a bitch. They said they could see nothing wrong with my tone, nor advice, and I certainly didn't RANT at you as you claimed in your hissy fit of a reply.
Then at the end of this
Oh, would that be the friend who, before I even reviewed you, decided to randomly PM me and suggest "I" LEAVE the site because I'm TOO OLD to write fan fic. Said friend is twenty-one and talks/writes worse than my twelve-year-old cousin. It was after she started ranting about Americans and the spelling of "writting" that I said good riddance to her.
Then you say you can't be bothered with research. Why worry about it? Indeed. Why not stomp all over the fandom you claim to love with your OC making babies with a canon character, one who in theory would probably be sterile due to the nature of the virus inside him (detailed theories on this from a reliable source) -- the very SAME virus made specifically FOR him that only HE survived, but your OC has injected into her at random and gets uber powers. I mean, if you can't take two minutes to spellcheck or insert a period, then I guess research would be an indulgence.
And your beta. Yes, amazingly, you HAVE a beta. He's a special snowflake. I love how he leaps to your defense with (names are edited out):
How pleasant, but [name removed], she didn't do anything to solicit an attack like the one you devised against her [YES I devised an attack on a poor helpless author!], you came along and gave this huge fucking rant on how to better herslef, making her out to be a child, and going on about absurd things such as how Wesker's virus wouldn't allow him to have children....IT'S A FUCKING VIDEO GAME, JESUS!!! Stop bitching about it, Wesker isn't a God, Capcom is just a bunch of Japs that write stories and then make them into a game, nothing spectacular about that. And is just a website for people who want to write about fandoms they like can, it isn't some kind of forum for adults to tell kids and teens how to write, and just so you know, some people don't have the time to sit down and heavily research everything, I usewd to write here, and I gave up on that due to my job, now I just beta read for [name removed], and by that I mean she sends me the chapters and I go through them and spellcheck everything, is that understood?
Now, if that doesn't get through your arrogant skull, then how about this:
Stick your head in the oven, turn on the gas, and put yourself out of your misery because I honest to god can't stand you any longer.
And fanbrat? This gem is what got your beta reported:
"I can find your house, pin you down, slip you a roofie and then video tape myself raping you. It’d be all worth it just to see your reaction. Actually if I had the money I might go on and do that. Be a dear and send me your address so that I can find you easier, ‘kay?"
Nice.
Okay...so fanbrat, if everything is all fun and parties on FFnet, why the tantrum over my review? I would assume you'd shrug your shoulders, grin, and post the next trite chapter of crap without another thought; yet, you gave me three walls of text telling me to fuck off. Huh, strange.
You know what I think? I think you know every excuse you gave me is shit. I think you DO know that you can't write your way out of a vomit-filled paper bag, and I think your beta is embarrassed as hell (I mean, he's the one who basically let you walk outside without your shirt tucked in and your hair a mess), and can't figure out what to do about it.
Hopefully in a few years after you grow up some, and stop making excuses for your laziness, you'll look at my review again and learn something from it.
No love,
Me
So the cliffnotes of the entire situation: Fanbrat thinks people under twenty-five need to leave FFnet, NOW; it's a site only for TEENS. And everyone on FFnet is writing for fun and doesn't need to be bothered with spellchecking, proofreading, or research. Canon doesn't need to be adhered to because it's just a video game, and because the video game writers (a bunch of Japs, btw) left inconsistencies, you can do whatever you want. And anyone who attempts to give advice on writing improvement is a big overweight nerd with no life. All Americans suck.
And last but not least, "writting" is the RIGHT way to spell writing; everyone else in the world has it wrong.
*headdesk*
Edit 1: To add that it's the "fanbrat" who thinks FFnet is a site for teens, not me.
Edit 2: I added the review.
Edit: 3 I may have added the review, and not everyone will agree that it was the best, however, my rant is not because she reacted badly. I wouldn't be here if that were the case. It's the excuses she gave, the bullying her friend did before the review, and then her beta's rape comment. Those are the issues.
There is a reason why not many have reviewed this. OC stories are slow to receive reviews in general, but stories lacking standard punctuation won't garner you much feedback either.
I haven't gone through and looked at every single review to see if anyone else has touched on the issues here, so if I say something redundant, I apologize.
I'm going to throw up a disclaimer since I'm sure not sure how you're going to take what I say. Normally, I just say what I want to say and be done with it; I assume the author knows they don't have to follow my suggestions as if they're laws. That said, do know that anything I say here can be ignored. You can change, not change whatever you'd like.
However, every suggestion here is in your best interests so keep that in mind.
I'm not going to list every typo I found, though you have many in the first chapter. The first chapters should always be your best effort, the window dressing so-to-speak.
I'm not certain why this story is so long, to be honest. You could probably combine, cut, to fit it into less chapters and have a tighter pace. Long stories are like long movies, not matter how good they are, they DO drag, the viewer (in this case, reader) will get antsy at some point or bored.
A rule of thumb I personally follow, if the scene doesn't advance the plot, character, or conflict in some way, cut it. Otherwise, what you have is an inflated story, so big that it's difficult to control. I would urge you to look at every chapter you have written, or will write, and ask yourself if it's REALLY needed. What is REALLY crucial to the plot? The protagonist? What can you honestly cut and not miss?
Something to think about.
As for the typos...I'm going to assume you don't have a beta. If you're editing yourself, it helps to print out the chapter, read it aloud, and let a few days go by before you edit. All three of these tactics will help in catching these. An abundance of typos says to me that you didn't bother looking the chapter over before you posted, and that is technically against FFnet's TOS.
Some grammar issues are present. Comma splices like here:
→ Wesker turned to face Doctor Catharine Bell as she moved closer holding a file[,] she was a tall and very thin woman, she had brown hair that was tied up into a pony tail and looked older than thirty-four.
That should be a semicolon or period instead of a comma. I do these all the time, everyone does.
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Has anyone told you you're missing periods? Commas? After someone speaks, you have no period. You need one. I'm not sure if this is a FFnet error or proofreading error, but it really affects how your dialogue is read. And the lack of punctuation overall makes your story hard to read.
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You do have the basic grasp of storytelling, structure, though your descriptions are very general. I do like the thoughts each character has, though sometimes this gets distracting. You could do with more description, details, fleshing out scenes; some of your context is bare minimum. You could do less with adverbs. Use more said (by itself) and less said happily, said sadly. Those are too general. Sadly and happily mean different things to different readers. You want to be specific, you want to convey a clear image in the reader's mind, not a mediocre flash of expression.
Less of she added, she replied, she stated, she pleaded, she muttered. Dialogue should convey tone, diction without helpers like that. And most of the time, replied is redundant. We already know she replied to Wesker because he spoke first. Said is your best bet; it's invisible, it allows the dialogue to shine, and best of all, it's simple.
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Content:
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I'm not sure how to take your Wesker...he seems a little too stiff/formal for my tastes. This is my preference, though; I'm biased from my interpretation of him. However, I think he should display a little more passion than what you have here.
He's full of passion; it shows in his single-minded pursuits of power and eventually, godhood. He keeps it restrained, but it shows itself in other ways. He's obsessive, a perfectionist, meticulous with details, and very very thorough when it comes to his planning. And I believe that once he sinks his teeth into someone...be it a lover or enemy, they are his for life.
But again, everyones interpretation is slightly different.
The other thing I want to mention is that Wesker, at the time of the Raccoon city outbreak, was not middle-aged. We can live past a hundred years. Wesker at the time was in his thirties.
In RE5 he was 48, and due to the progenitor virus, still looked great. 30-40's are the prime of adulthood.
He would have been only 8 years Samantha's senior at the beginning of this story. I don't call people in their forties old and I'm 33. I'm not sure why Samantha is calling him 'old man' and so forth; makes little sense to me.
I would suggest to look up a site called Project Umbrella and read their essay: Biology of Evil. It goes into extensive detail on the virus Wesker and now “Samantha” has (which, BTW, she shouldn't have become pregnant. Progenitor raises the core body temp of the host, which is great for females, but not so much for males. Sperm die very easily), and I think if you're going to write about Wesker after he infected himself, you need to understand how his virus works.
M