УРОКИ КАНАДСКОГО АНГЛИЙСКОГО

atsman — 24.03.2018 НА ДНЯХ val000 поместил у себя, переведя на русский, замечательный рассказ. Я не поленился, отыскал оригинал на английском и сопроводил его некоторыми комментариями. Приятного чтения!

8:00 — I made a snowman.
8:10 — A feminist¹ passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 — So I made a snow woman as well.
8:17 — The nanny² of the neighbours³ complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 — The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 — The vegans⁴ at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as carrots are food and shouldn’t be trivialised.
8:28 — I get called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 — The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf⁵.
8:35 – A First Nations⁶ group stopped and said that the project had been built on what was once their traditional lands without their consultation and approval. They want an apology and compensation.
8:40 — Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 — I’m told the broomstick needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : “Yeah, if it’s up your ass.”
8:52 — My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I’m blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 — I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 — I’m asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 — ISIS just claimed responsibility.
Yes, What a morning...

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¹ Феминист. Любой представитель человечества, ратующий, независимо от пола, расы, религии, возраста, за предоставление женщинам равных с мужчинами сроков за одинаковые уголовые преступления, равных страховок имущества (в том числе автомобилей), здоровья и жизни, равных возможностей погибнуть в армии, полиции, пожарной службы, космосе и так далее.

² Я знаю, что большинству носителей других языков всё равно, какой употребить артикль - определённый или неопределённый. Он для них - службное слово. Между тем, артикли несут в себе важные смыслы. Например, в предыдущей фразе (A feminist passed by) говорится не просто о вегане, а о каком-то вегане - незнакомом, встречном-поперечном: "Мимо проходил [неизвестный мне, какой-то, возможно, даже не из нашего нейборхуда] веган", а в этом предложении автор сообщает об акте коммуникации с известной ему няней известных ему соседей справа или слева.

³ Американский и канадский английские языки, в общем-то, не шибко отличаются друг от друга. Поэтому канадцы, чтобы отличаться хотя бы на письме, пишут некоторые слова на старый, британский, манер. По таким словам, как neighbours, можно понять, что их написал канадец (американец написал бы neighbors).

⁴ Веган. Адепт так называемого веганства, движения, философия которого заключается в сохранении животных форм жизни посредством убийства растительных. Веганы способны стать агрессивными, если в их присутствии употребить слова "курочка", "бифштекс"...

⁵ Хиджаб. Хиджаб используется для защиты головы и верхней части тела от прямых солнечных лучей, кислотных (химических) дождей, снегопада и, таким образом, служит средством предохранения от различных заболеваний, в том числе рака.

⁶ First Nations - иносказ. [канадские] индейцы. Этот апеллятив был введён в употребление с тем, чтобы отличить индейцев от двух других групп аборигенного (коренного населения) - инуитов и метисов, а также от их американских собратьев - индейцев США, хотя я особого смысла в его введении не вижу. По большому счёту, все они - инуиты, индейцы, метисы - в той или иной мере коренные, все - аборигены, все - первые. В отличие от пришлых - белых, а также чёрных, азиатских, южноазиатских.

Ниже ещё примеры канадского юмора.

II.

You're Canadian if:
- you know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
- you put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
- you know what a tuque (toque?) is
- you are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
- you make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
- you use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
- you have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
- you know pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
- you drive on a highway, not a freeway
- you know what a Robertson screwdriver is
- you understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
- you drink pop, not soda
- you love your fries with poutine
- you go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
- someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
- you stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
- you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
- "eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?
- you don't mind leaving your wet winter boots at the door when visiting your fried or a dentist
- you order a "double-double" at Tim Horton's
- you can wear shorts and a parka at the same time
- you know several people who have hit a deer more than once
- you have security lights installed on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
- the speed limit on the highway is 80 km and you're going 90 and everybody is passing you
- driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow

III.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Источник II и III: http://www.swanparadise.com/Canadian-Jokes.html

IV.

A Canadian Journal
Date: Sun, 3 Nov
Ah,yes... O Canada, Our home and native land!

Dear Diary
Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - Canada -- it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. F*cking snow plough.
Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25 - Merry F*ckng Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f*cking ice.
Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white crap and it is so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28 - That f*cking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the crap this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already
broken six shovels shoveling out all the crap he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his f*cking head.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had
exterminated them all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

Источник: http://www.canadianbeauts.faketrix.com/Canadian-joke-Canadian-journal.htm

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