Проблемы русских детей, выросших в иммигрантских семьях, часть вторая

iva_no_va — 22.10.2011

• When you don't need a fake because your parents buy you alcohol, no questions asked. This makes your friends insanely jealous.
• Mama always texts you the weirdest things and ne dai box shto ti shto to ne to napisala, she will call you to find out what it meant
• Phone call from grandma: "Ya po televizoru videla chto po internetu peredaut virusy, ne vkoem sluchae ne pol'zuysya internetom"
• You make some tea before going to sleep and mama or papa always say to you, "A patom nochu ne spish!"
• When your mom always says about every guy you mention that if he likes anything sexual he is not a haroshiy malchik! naydi haroshivo malchika!
• Its the ultimate win when u beat your grandmother a duraka
• When you complain to your parents about a bee sting or a mosquito bite and they respond with "po tomu chto ti sladkaya"
• When your parents force feed your american friends even though they said they're full...
• Having so much food on the table at every single party your parents host that can last for weeks when the party ends.
• If you have a russian or rssian jewish friend your parents automatically question why you aren't married to that person yet.
• Vse harosho?? Slavu bogu. Tsfu tsfu tsfu cheres levoya plecho!!
• Every time you visit бабушка и дедушка's house, you get this speech:
  Ты голодная?
  Не очень
  Хорошо. Но надо есть!
  Бабушка я не голодноя!
  Хорошо, хорошо. Я тебе только немножко дам.
  3 hours and 5 million courses later...
  Вот тебе чай. У нас еще наполеон, вафли, водычка...
• Everyone has to sit down before leaving for a trip.
• When your father's broken English, asks for the "Hostage" instead of the "Hostess" at the restaurant. 
• When a black cat crosses the road and your immediately stops the car and refuses to go until somebody else passes her.
• Your mom will never throw away old garments because they make good "tryapki"
• If there is a birthday party, your whole family will sing "Heppy Byorzday tu yu"
• "Ne svisti doma, deneg ne budit!" If you could only explain to your american friends the connection between whistling and wealth.
• Your mother's road rage includes calling other drivers "kazol"
• When your babushka says this about every person she knows- "eto maya znakomaya"
• The only "tupperware" in your house is old smetana containers.
• When your American boyfriend visits, your papa immediately takes off his tapochki and gives them to him. Your mama is hustling to find more tapochki around the house so everyone's feet are covered
• You make up a middle name for yourself because explaining "eemya ochestva" to Americans is impossible.
• When you eat too many sweets, mom goes : A popa ne slipnitsa?
• Your American friends don't understand "slohkim parom"
• Everytime you compliment someone or say something positive, you might jinx them, so you always have to spit three times "ptu ptu ptu SHTOB NE ZGLAZAT!"
• Your parents always make you wear "tapachkee" inside the house. And all of your friends. 
• When you don't finish your babushka's seven course meal including :salads, potatoes, fish, meat, soup, more meat, and finally desert, it means you don't love her.
• You don't understand why everyone doesn't sleep with a puhovaya adeyala, even in the summer.
• You have to sleep with no underwear "shtobi peeska dishala"
• Explaining to your American friends that your family is neither yelling or fighting just talking to each other
• At the end of the day having to tell your mother every detail of what you did including how many times you went to the bathroom
• When you see a middle-aged aunt or female relative, after not having seen them for a long period of time, and the first thing out of her mouth is "oh ti tak popravilas!" or "oh ti tak pohudela!"
• Your mom does laps around the house on the phone repeating the phrase line "nu shto tebye skazat.." 
• You are cry-laughing reading all these problems because they are soo true

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